Modern tribes: the diet guru

Illustration by Ben Lamb

s a top scientist, I grew up believing in low-fat. Yes, for years I trusted the research, ate fruits and grains and shunned tempting doughnuts, in the firm belief this would keep my body strong. I even wrote books about it! But here’s the thing. Although I looked trim and healthy and – some say – fiendishly attractive on the outside, inside my organs were pallid and miserable. And more importantly, they were at critical risk of – to use the medical jargon – total fucking collapse. Put simply, I could have died of health at any moment.

Turns out my first 10 books were absolutely right about the importance of hair colour, beetroots, nutmeg, nose shape and colonic megafauna in banishing flab and low self-esteem, but, as I’ve learned to my cost, cutting-edge research proves that it’s just not enough to fast, exercise and eat only fermented items between 5pm and midnight – although of course all that previous advice still stands. But if we want to be truly healthy, as I explain in my new book, we urgently need to review everything we thought we knew about what turns out to be the body’s greatest natural ally against disease – lard. And it’s not just us experts who think so. Visiting a remote tribe in snowy Lardland for my Super Lard Diet, I met 150-year-olds whose longevity can only be explained by the healing power of locally harvested lard. Right away, I resolved to replace a minimum 27.2% of my own diet with lard, except on nutmeg or fasting days, and a subsequent incredibly hi-tech scan proved that all my internal organs are now supple and resilient, or, to use the medical jargon, the dog’s bollocks.

So you’ll see why I am convinced that scientifically controlled lard-eating can have a massive impact on your health and IQ, whether you’re tall or short, clever or thick. How does it work? Which lard should I choose? Don’t worry: The Super Lard Diet, out now, contains all the exclusive tips and


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